Can I please just start out by saying that I love God very much, and I am so, SO grateful for everything He does for me (us)? Because I do. And I am. That said, let the complaining commence!
I have such a crappy attitude lately! I do not know what the problem is. It is probably just stress. I have to find a job. Like, yesterday. Or, more accurately, like, last year. But I don't know why today I am so stressed about it. Because today, we made a very hefty deposit into our account, which mostly consisted of God's provision and blessings. Turns out we paid my midwife too much money, and the insurance company credited her company, who then in turn gave us the credit. Thank you, Jesus! He really is so good to us. It just feels like this whole both-being-unemployed-for-so-long-and-can't-find-a-job crap is getting old. And, what bothers me maybe even more than that is knowing that if *I* feel this way, how in the world does Oak feel. He is a worrier. A pessimist. I am not. I trust in God. I am an optimist. But now *I* am worried! Not worried. *sigh* "Concerned." Isn't that what we Christians say? We don't get worried - we get concerned. Because worry is a sin, but being concerned is not? Ha. Who are you fooling, Christians? So, concern is the feeling I am having. Mild concern. Because at the root of my SOUL, I KNOW Jesus will provide. I just know it. The thing I don't know, and where the "concern" creeps in, is how. HOW will He do this masterful feat? It is actually kind of cool if you really think about it. Knowing something is going to happen, but not being quite sure how it is going to unfold... Really neat. I am also thinking that perhaps Romans 8:28 may apply to this situation as well? Let's recite that some more, shall we?
In other news, Apricot is a joy - as usual. I really do love that little girl. It is funny to me because only after she was born did I even get a glimmer of how God must feel toward me. I know it sounds weird, but it is true. When I sit here and wonder WHY does God love me, what am I even doing for Him. Nothing much except complain a lot - hours after major blessings get poured out onto me. Well, why do I love Apricot so much. Honestly, what is she doing for me? Yeah, now she smiles and laughs. But before? She made me lose sleep. A lot. She requires a lot of attention. Attention I am no longer giving myself. She is pretty demanding. Right now, it is pretty much let's do what Apricot wants to do. No one really cares much about what Momma and Daddy want to be doing. Maybe it is because we do not scream as loudly. But I digress. What I mean is, I know it sounds bad, but honestly she's not really bringing much to the table. (Okay, that sounds really bad.) But my goodness do I love her. More than I ever thought I would or could. And it is just MIND BOGGLING to think that as much as I love her - so much that it hurts sometimes - God loves her more. Really? Really? How can that even be! And He loves me more than I love her too! What! That is just crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Oh how thankful I am. I am so blessed, how can I even bother with being crabby. I am human. Thankfully God knows that.
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