Can I please just start out by saying that I love God very much, and I am so, SO grateful for everything He does for me (us)? Because I do. And I am. That said, let the complaining commence!
I have such a crappy attitude lately! I do not know what the problem is. It is probably just stress. I have to find a job. Like, yesterday. Or, more accurately, like, last year. But I don't know why today I am so stressed about it. Because today, we made a very hefty deposit into our account, which mostly consisted of God's provision and blessings. Turns out we paid my midwife too much money, and the insurance company credited her company, who then in turn gave us the credit. Thank you, Jesus! He really is so good to us. It just feels like this whole both-being-unemployed-for-so-long-and-can't-find-a-job crap is getting old. And, what bothers me maybe even more than that is knowing that if *I* feel this way, how in the world does Oak feel. He is a worrier. A pessimist. I am not. I trust in God. I am an optimist. But now *I* am worried! Not worried. *sigh* "Concerned." Isn't that what we Christians say? We don't get worried - we get concerned. Because worry is a sin, but being concerned is not? Ha. Who are you fooling, Christians? So, concern is the feeling I am having. Mild concern. Because at the root of my SOUL, I KNOW Jesus will provide. I just know it. The thing I don't know, and where the "concern" creeps in, is how. HOW will He do this masterful feat? It is actually kind of cool if you really think about it. Knowing something is going to happen, but not being quite sure how it is going to unfold... Really neat. I am also thinking that perhaps Romans 8:28 may apply to this situation as well? Let's recite that some more, shall we?
In other news, Apricot is a joy - as usual. I really do love that little girl. It is funny to me because only after she was born did I even get a glimmer of how God must feel toward me. I know it sounds weird, but it is true. When I sit here and wonder WHY does God love me, what am I even doing for Him. Nothing much except complain a lot - hours after major blessings get poured out onto me. Well, why do I love Apricot so much. Honestly, what is she doing for me? Yeah, now she smiles and laughs. But before? She made me lose sleep. A lot. She requires a lot of attention. Attention I am no longer giving myself. She is pretty demanding. Right now, it is pretty much let's do what Apricot wants to do. No one really cares much about what Momma and Daddy want to be doing. Maybe it is because we do not scream as loudly. But I digress. What I mean is, I know it sounds bad, but honestly she's not really bringing much to the table. (Okay, that sounds really bad.) But my goodness do I love her. More than I ever thought I would or could. And it is just MIND BOGGLING to think that as much as I love her - so much that it hurts sometimes - God loves her more. Really? Really? How can that even be! And He loves me more than I love her too! What! That is just crazy. Crazy, crazy, crazy. Oh how thankful I am. I am so blessed, how can I even bother with being crabby. I am human. Thankfully God knows that.
29 June 2011
23 June 2011
Unsettling shots and unfaithfully worried
Well, Apricot had her shots today. Much to my dismay, God did not close the pediatricians office, or give us a flat tire, or bring any small disaster onto us so that we could not get her immunized. He also did not give me any new really good reasons not to. I was praying for any of those things or else I would keep her appointment. Nothing happened. So she got them done. I prayed for God's peace, and He said no. Or at least, "You just have to trust me big time." I do trust Him. I know Romans 8:28, and I am reciting the crap out of it. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I know that reaction or not, whatever happens is God's Will. I know He is good. I know lots of things; it is believing those things that is hard! Lord, help my unbelief!
I have been extra cranky lately. Every morning I pray that God helps me to think before I speak. Every morning. Lots of times I think after I speak, and I am regretful. It's a process. God is molding me into His image. We need more water!
I have been extra cranky lately. Every morning I pray that God helps me to think before I speak. Every morning. Lots of times I think after I speak, and I am regretful. It's a process. God is molding me into His image. We need more water!
15 June 2011
Teeth and God's hands
Little Miss Apricot has teeth! Two, to be exact. For remembering purposes, here are the dates:
5 June 2011 - White is able to be seen under her gum line.
7 June 2011 - A small hole has now appeared.
9 June 2011 - A tooth! A tooth has broken the gum surface! Her very first tooth is the bottom left (center) tooth. (too lazy to look up the proper name...)
14 June 2011 - Tooth #2! The bottom right (center) tooth.
Little Sweetcheeks... I cannot believe she has teeth already. Four-and-a-half-months old, and she has two teeth. Her mood has improved greatly since yesterday. It was about 10 days of The Cranky, and we are so thankful to have our sweet-little-smiling-girl-who-sleeps back!
I received a phone call today for a job interview. It is a little bit ironic because tomorrow is my very last day to claim unemployment benefits. I think God is super funny. His timing is impeccable. I do not think I am going to get the job, just because that is too coincidental - even for God. But I am praying that even if I do not get it that I would do well. I know of a bunch of others that are praying for me as also. I am so thankful!
I have to leave Oak and Apricot home tomorrow. This is the first time being away from her for more than an hour (and only that has happened once!). I think I should be praying for that as well. I am confident Oak can do what needs to get done. And actually, I am not as apprehensive thinking about it as I have been in the past. I used to think about leaving her and not like it at all, so I guess I am making progress! Probably I am just confident in Oak's abilities and our schedule.
Picking out an interview outfit was quite interesting. My pre-pregnancy clothes do not fit me as well as they should. I can get my go-to interview pants up over my hips. Zipping them is another story. The next pair in line, zip - yes! Sitting is another story. Skirt it is! This particular skirt is actually very nice. I have had it for probably 3 years, and I have never worn it. Maybe once or twice. It is a piece in which it is very hard to pair something. Five shirts later... I am wearing the first choice. It's not the best outfit, but it will do, I suppose. Perhaps my heels will distract the fact that my top is a t-shirt from the Gap.
God is good. If this is for me, it is in His hands. Let's be honest; it is in His hands regardless.
5 June 2011 - White is able to be seen under her gum line.
7 June 2011 - A small hole has now appeared.
9 June 2011 - A tooth! A tooth has broken the gum surface! Her very first tooth is the bottom left (center) tooth. (too lazy to look up the proper name...)
14 June 2011 - Tooth #2! The bottom right (center) tooth.
(It is HARD to get a shot of teeth!)
Little Sweetcheeks... I cannot believe she has teeth already. Four-and-a-half-months old, and she has two teeth. Her mood has improved greatly since yesterday. It was about 10 days of The Cranky, and we are so thankful to have our sweet-little-smiling-girl-who-sleeps back!
I received a phone call today for a job interview. It is a little bit ironic because tomorrow is my very last day to claim unemployment benefits. I think God is super funny. His timing is impeccable. I do not think I am going to get the job, just because that is too coincidental - even for God. But I am praying that even if I do not get it that I would do well. I know of a bunch of others that are praying for me as also. I am so thankful!
I have to leave Oak and Apricot home tomorrow. This is the first time being away from her for more than an hour (and only that has happened once!). I think I should be praying for that as well. I am confident Oak can do what needs to get done. And actually, I am not as apprehensive thinking about it as I have been in the past. I used to think about leaving her and not like it at all, so I guess I am making progress! Probably I am just confident in Oak's abilities and our schedule.
Picking out an interview outfit was quite interesting. My pre-pregnancy clothes do not fit me as well as they should. I can get my go-to interview pants up over my hips. Zipping them is another story. The next pair in line, zip - yes! Sitting is another story. Skirt it is! This particular skirt is actually very nice. I have had it for probably 3 years, and I have never worn it. Maybe once or twice. It is a piece in which it is very hard to pair something. Five shirts later... I am wearing the first choice. It's not the best outfit, but it will do, I suppose. Perhaps my heels will distract the fact that my top is a t-shirt from the Gap.
God is good. If this is for me, it is in His hands. Let's be honest; it is in His hands regardless.
14 June 2011
Not-so-hidden blessings
My first comment! I was pleasantly surprised! And actually, if I am honest, much happier about it than I had anticipated. I really, REALLY thought that I did not care so much.
Also? God is pretty cool. It is neat for me to think there are people out there, that I don't even know, praying for my family. So, so cool. Thank you, Jesus.
Today Oak (formally known as H) and I went for a walk with Apricot (formally known as D). We have been going for walks lately, since the weather has been so nice, instead of exercising to Jillian Michaels (or whomever we choose that day - thanks On Demand!). Apricot has not been napping very well recently, and we know that eventually she will fall asleep in the stroller, so off we went! We walked a little over five miles today! I tracked it when we got home, and I could not believe it. That is a record for us, I think. I love walking with Oak (and Apricot) because it gives us time to chat about life, and ideas, and just everything.
As much as it is a burden with us both being unemployed, it has been such a blessing to us. We have gotten to know each other so much better, and our marriage is much stronger. Oak is so comfortable with Apricot, and I truly believe that would not be the case if he had not been home this whole time. I think he would be very uncomfortable and unsure with her. So, burden? Yes, in the wallet. Blessing? Absolutely, in every other aspect.
Lord, thank you for knowing me much more than I know myself. And thank you for surrounding me with so much love. I love you Jesus!
Also? God is pretty cool. It is neat for me to think there are people out there, that I don't even know, praying for my family. So, so cool. Thank you, Jesus.
Today Oak (formally known as H) and I went for a walk with Apricot (formally known as D). We have been going for walks lately, since the weather has been so nice, instead of exercising to Jillian Michaels (or whomever we choose that day - thanks On Demand!). Apricot has not been napping very well recently, and we know that eventually she will fall asleep in the stroller, so off we went! We walked a little over five miles today! I tracked it when we got home, and I could not believe it. That is a record for us, I think. I love walking with Oak (and Apricot) because it gives us time to chat about life, and ideas, and just everything.
As much as it is a burden with us both being unemployed, it has been such a blessing to us. We have gotten to know each other so much better, and our marriage is much stronger. Oak is so comfortable with Apricot, and I truly believe that would not be the case if he had not been home this whole time. I think he would be very uncomfortable and unsure with her. So, burden? Yes, in the wallet. Blessing? Absolutely, in every other aspect.
Lord, thank you for knowing me much more than I know myself. And thank you for surrounding me with so much love. I love you Jesus!
12 June 2011
Thankfulness and breathing
(Until I can think of good pseudonyms for my husband and daughter, they will be referred to as "H" and "D" respectively.)
So H and I have this electronic device for D that senses movement (i.e. breathing) which is currently residing under her mattress. We have had this device pretty much since she was born. Maybe there was a week or so she was alive before we received it as a gift. Fine. So, this device... it really eases our minds. It is just so nice knowing that we do not have to get up and check on her every 45 seconds to see if she is still breathing. We have been sleeping (fairly) well ever since.
The premise is this: If the device does not sense movement (i.e. breaths) for 15 consecutive seconds, a warning beep sounds. If after five more seconds of no movement (breaths), an alarm sounds. Well. Last night the warning beep went off. Not really a HUGE deal as it has gone off before, but we raced into D's room nonetheless. We poked our heads into her crib just as the ALARM starts to sound. This really freaked us out because the alarm has never gone off before. Usually, what happens is the warning beep sounds then within five seconds D takes a breath, so the alarm never gets a chance to sound. That did not happen this time. This time, I had to shake her to take a breath. Needless to say, this disturbed H and me greatly. And then it happened again, and AGAIN. Not the alarm sounding, just the warning beep, but still. For Pete's sake, D, what is going on?! I never really understood what parents were talking about when they would say they would stay awake and just watch their children breathe. I now know. We just stood there last night, both of us, watching her breathe, for a long time. It was about 3:30 a.m. I don't think I got back to sleep until 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. I just kept *waiting* for that warning beep again. Same with H. It did not, thank God. But then it happened again this morning at around 7:30 a.m. Alarm and all. Okay! Enough "sleeping" for everyone - time to get up. Good grief.
I am so thankful that God prompted H's parents to buy this movement sensor for us. I just wonder. I mean, what would have happened if we did not have this device? Would D have started breathing within a few seconds without us even knowing what was happening? Or would we have become another SIDS statistic? I just don't know. I do know that I am so thankful to God for at least one more day with her. I really do love her.
Aside: We are not sure where we stand on the whole vaccination issue. D was due for her 4-month shots this past week. We decided to hold off right now for a few reasons. She is teething and already pretty miserable. I am not sure I am convinced vaccines are the very best thing since sliced bread, like everyone says. I am so torn because on one hand, I do feel like if we can prevent disease, why not! Let's do it! But on the other hand, the diseases they are vaccinating for are basically eradicated here in the United States of America. Also, they can cause brain damage. Also, our bodies were designed to fight off disease and become stronger from it. Also, SIDS has a higher rate of happening after shots.
D had her 2-month vaccines at her 2-month appointment and screamed, yes screamed, for an hour? two? three? I forget. Dr. Brushoff said before D received the shots that she would likely be cranky. This was not cranky. This was screaming which was unable to be soothed - not even with the boob. And for my great eater, that was very concerning. I have been reading about vaccines recently, and this reaction is not necessarily the norm, but it is definitely a noted side effect of the DTaP shot. That just does not sit well with me. How will she react next time? We have no idea. I will tell you this, though. If we would have gotten her the 4-month shots, I would DEFINITELY be blaming what is happening now (very cranky, stopped breathing) on those shots. I have to wonder if God is doing exactly what it is I am fearing to show me that those things would, or could, or do, happen anyway.
Today was the first day D responded to pee-a-boo with laughter. That made all the worrying and lost sleep totally worth it. She really is adorable.
So H and I have this electronic device for D that senses movement (i.e. breathing) which is currently residing under her mattress. We have had this device pretty much since she was born. Maybe there was a week or so she was alive before we received it as a gift. Fine. So, this device... it really eases our minds. It is just so nice knowing that we do not have to get up and check on her every 45 seconds to see if she is still breathing. We have been sleeping (fairly) well ever since.
The premise is this: If the device does not sense movement (i.e. breaths) for 15 consecutive seconds, a warning beep sounds. If after five more seconds of no movement (breaths), an alarm sounds. Well. Last night the warning beep went off. Not really a HUGE deal as it has gone off before, but we raced into D's room nonetheless. We poked our heads into her crib just as the ALARM starts to sound. This really freaked us out because the alarm has never gone off before. Usually, what happens is the warning beep sounds then within five seconds D takes a breath, so the alarm never gets a chance to sound. That did not happen this time. This time, I had to shake her to take a breath. Needless to say, this disturbed H and me greatly. And then it happened again, and AGAIN. Not the alarm sounding, just the warning beep, but still. For Pete's sake, D, what is going on?! I never really understood what parents were talking about when they would say they would stay awake and just watch their children breathe. I now know. We just stood there last night, both of us, watching her breathe, for a long time. It was about 3:30 a.m. I don't think I got back to sleep until 4:30 or 5:00 a.m. I just kept *waiting* for that warning beep again. Same with H. It did not, thank God. But then it happened again this morning at around 7:30 a.m. Alarm and all. Okay! Enough "sleeping" for everyone - time to get up. Good grief.
I am so thankful that God prompted H's parents to buy this movement sensor for us. I just wonder. I mean, what would have happened if we did not have this device? Would D have started breathing within a few seconds without us even knowing what was happening? Or would we have become another SIDS statistic? I just don't know. I do know that I am so thankful to God for at least one more day with her. I really do love her.
Aside: We are not sure where we stand on the whole vaccination issue. D was due for her 4-month shots this past week. We decided to hold off right now for a few reasons. She is teething and already pretty miserable. I am not sure I am convinced vaccines are the very best thing since sliced bread, like everyone says. I am so torn because on one hand, I do feel like if we can prevent disease, why not! Let's do it! But on the other hand, the diseases they are vaccinating for are basically eradicated here in the United States of America. Also, they can cause brain damage. Also, our bodies were designed to fight off disease and become stronger from it. Also, SIDS has a higher rate of happening after shots.
D had her 2-month vaccines at her 2-month appointment and screamed, yes screamed, for an hour? two? three? I forget. Dr. Brushoff said before D received the shots that she would likely be cranky. This was not cranky. This was screaming which was unable to be soothed - not even with the boob. And for my great eater, that was very concerning. I have been reading about vaccines recently, and this reaction is not necessarily the norm, but it is definitely a noted side effect of the DTaP shot. That just does not sit well with me. How will she react next time? We have no idea. I will tell you this, though. If we would have gotten her the 4-month shots, I would DEFINITELY be blaming what is happening now (very cranky, stopped breathing) on those shots. I have to wonder if God is doing exactly what it is I am fearing to show me that those things would, or could, or do, happen anyway.
Today was the first day D responded to pee-a-boo with laughter. That made all the worrying and lost sleep totally worth it. She really is adorable.
09 June 2011
No toe dipping here
So, I have been thinking of starting a blog for quite some time now. Today is the day that I am jumping in - feet first! It is both exciting and terrifying.
My goal here is to log some things and learn some things. I do not have a very good memory, so I figured if I wrote it out here, journal-like, then it would come in handy later! I would like to chat about my family, what we are learning, how God is molding us and teaching us daily, and how we are relying on Him more and more each day. I am hoping to hone my grammar and editing skills here. I figure the more I write, the better I will get. Hopefully that holds true.
I am a wife of four years and a mother of four months. My husband is wonderful; so wonderful, he is most of the time a better wife than I. My daughter is beautiful and currently the source of all things happy. She is such a little (big!) miracle; we are smitten. We also have a cat, whom we love very much.
As of right now, I do not work outside of our home. I am looking into a couple different things, and I am very curious as to what God has in store for me (us)! I love to read, research, learn and be challenged. Both of my current choices offer all of these things and more, so that is good. It is just scary. They both require me to step out of my comfort zone, and that is not something I love!
I usually have 5-10 tabs open on my Internet window. I read a lot of different blogs, and sometimes they link elsewhere within their posts, and I am interested! I need to read that tidbit too! But later, so that I do not forget what I was originally reading. I love to start new things; it is the finishing of things I have trouble with. I usually have a lot of new things I am wanting to try. And I am very easily distracted, hence the name of my blog.
Most of the time I have ideas rolling around in my head, or things that I want to get down on paper, so that I do not lose them. Right now I am drawing a blank. But as this is my introduction post, my goal really is to just paint a picture of who I am.
It is taking everything in my being to hit publish instead of delete.
My goal here is to log some things and learn some things. I do not have a very good memory, so I figured if I wrote it out here, journal-like, then it would come in handy later! I would like to chat about my family, what we are learning, how God is molding us and teaching us daily, and how we are relying on Him more and more each day. I am hoping to hone my grammar and editing skills here. I figure the more I write, the better I will get. Hopefully that holds true.
I am a wife of four years and a mother of four months. My husband is wonderful; so wonderful, he is most of the time a better wife than I. My daughter is beautiful and currently the source of all things happy. She is such a little (big!) miracle; we are smitten. We also have a cat, whom we love very much.
As of right now, I do not work outside of our home. I am looking into a couple different things, and I am very curious as to what God has in store for me (us)! I love to read, research, learn and be challenged. Both of my current choices offer all of these things and more, so that is good. It is just scary. They both require me to step out of my comfort zone, and that is not something I love!
I usually have 5-10 tabs open on my Internet window. I read a lot of different blogs, and sometimes they link elsewhere within their posts, and I am interested! I need to read that tidbit too! But later, so that I do not forget what I was originally reading. I love to start new things; it is the finishing of things I have trouble with. I usually have a lot of new things I am wanting to try. And I am very easily distracted, hence the name of my blog.
Most of the time I have ideas rolling around in my head, or things that I want to get down on paper, so that I do not lose them. Right now I am drawing a blank. But as this is my introduction post, my goal really is to just paint a picture of who I am.
It is taking everything in my being to hit publish instead of delete.
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